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February 11th, 2004

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08:21 pm - No means no.
I know it's a good way to make money between your freshman and sophomore years of college, but fercryinoutloud kids, if I tell you that I'm happy with my long distance service, chances are I'll still be happy with it tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after -- well, let's just say I'll be happy with it every day except the one on which I pay the bill. No, scratch that. We don't even have a long distance service, and we're cancelling our phone service altogether soon, so I'm pretty good with what I already (don't plan to) have.

This doesn't stop SBC from calling us every night to mispronouce Sean's last name and ask if he'd like to switch to their service.

At first I just said that he wasn't home (since he works 2nd shift), hung up, and left it at that. When the calls got more frequent though (such as this week, when it's been every friggin' night), I started getting cocky:

Me: Sorry, he's not home right now. Can I take a message?
Them: Thank you, there is no message. I'll ju--
Me: What, did you get lonely and pick his name at random out of the phone book?

This of course, got nothing more than an "I'm sorry, sir. *Click*" Telling them that he was dead didn't stop the calls either. Back when I lived at my parents' house, I had this scripted schtick that I'd always use on military recruiters:

Me: You know, I'm already going to school, but there is something I'd like to discuss.
Them: Sure. Whatever we can help you with.
Me: I've always had this... I dunno... This silly little fantasy that perhaps you could help me act out.
Them: ...
Me: Yeah, um, I've always loved The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I've always wanted to serenade someone over the phone with the theme song, Science Fiction Double Feature. Thing is, there isn't a, well, the special lady in my life right now doesn't like Rocky Horror, and I just know that you, being a military man, are probably a big fan. So: Michael Rennie was ill the day the Earth stood still...

They ususally stayed on the line through at least the first verse, and once the guy waited until I was done and said "very nice." I didn't know what to do, so I hung up. In hindsight, singing SFDF to military recruiters probably was not a good idea, but this was back in the final year or so of the Clinton administration, so I'm sure my name went into the Potential Nutjob file, and not the Potential Lounge Singer/Terrorist file (note to self: strike "nutjob" and change it to "fruitcake." We're not in the business of making Clinton jokes here).

Anyway, I'm running out of responses for telemarketers. I've already berated them for interrupting my evening of intense masturbation ("MEMO 01/15/04 20:33 : CUSTOMER ENGAGED IN SELF-PLEASURE. WILL CALL BACK ON 02/11/04.") and telling them that we don't have a phone illicits no response at all. What's the next step?
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets -- One-Gilled Girl

(12 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 02:28 am (UTC)
If you've done business with them at that number, you're mostly screwed. However.... You can try telling them politely to take his name and number off their calling list. If you do so, and they still call, you can report them to the attorney general's office. At that point they've broken the law.

The other thing to do (if you have call forwarding) is to track their call pattern and around those times, forward your number to SBC Customer Service. Heh.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 03:11 am (UTC)
Then we're screwed. SBC provides our internet service, which we're cancelling along with the phone line in favor of more reliable alternatives.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 03:16 am (UTC)
Yeah, they put a loophole in the law for companies that you've done business with. Once you've severed relations with them, though, tell them to take you off their call list. They still are supposed to respect that.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 04:03 am (UTC)
Ask them if they've found Jesus. If they have ask where he is so you can kick his ass for the dope he stole from you.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 04:17 am (UTC)
"Hey, have you found Jesus? I swear... I set that guy down for maybe five minutes, and I told him to stay put, but when I got back out here, he was gone."
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 06:33 am (UTC)

Evil responses

I've done a number of things to callers like that. From interrupting their spiel with a firm and loud "Do not call this number again!" to yelling at them (very therapeutic) and telling them their call just caused me to boycott their company, to outright lying (it's not a sin because they suck.) For a few days straight I was getting a call about ten in the morning (while I was just waking up) and when I answered there was no one there. When someone else finally answered on the other end it went something like this:

Me: (mumbled) Hullo?
Them: Hi! I'm an annoying ass from a phone company blah blah blah....
Me: Who is this?!
Them I'm an annoying ass from a phone com...
Me: I was asleep!
Them: ...
Me: I'm an insomniac! I haven't slept for THREE DAYS!!
Then I just slammed the phone down and happily returned to bed. I've yet to receive another call from that company.

Oh, something else you could do is sound very interested and ask them to hang on while you get some paper or your last statement or something. Then set the phone down and go back to whatever you were doing before.

Still, I like the idea of singing SFDF to them.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 01:21 pm (UTC)

Re: Evil responses

Ooh, I'm gonna have to try the insomniac one. It's mean, but I really really like it.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 07:04 am (UTC)
Ok, ok, ok. You want advice on how to annoy the LIVING CRAP out of someone? You asked the right person. So, here's what you can do.

#1. If you have a cordless phone, please to to the nearest available toilet. Proceed to put the phone close to the water (but not in the water) and then flush. See if they're still on the other line. If they are, repeat the process until they hang up.

#2. Scream like Duckman into the phone.

#3. Ask them if they have any fantastic phone sex plans, and whether it gives you a better deal on international German Sheisa (I don't now how to spell the German word for "shit") sex calls.

#4. Ask them if they have any place to put the bodies.

#5. Proceed to order a pizza.

#6. Inform them that the Plutonians know where they live and that if they want to spare their lives from the slaughter, they need to join your cult. If they're still interested, inform them that their pagan beliefs are incompltable with yours and hang up.

#7. Announce you candidacy for President of Nigeria.

#8. Talk in the most child-like voice you can. Inform them that this will, "really get back at your parents for grounding you."

#9. Upon hearing the news of a new offer of long-distance, begin singing the "happy happy joy joy" song. Don't stop signing.

#10. Ask them if THEY'D like to change their long distance service.

#11. Get giddy at the fact that you're hearing a human voice. Then ask them if they REALLY care. Then ask them out on a date. If they say yes, tell them you'll pick them up on Saturday and hang up. If they say no, proceed to cry and hang up.

I hope this helps a little when dealing with telemarketers. There's a reason only my family ever calls me on the phone.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 01:41 pm (UTC)

telemarkets heehee

Benny and I have not had to deal with them since we got a cell, but my old roommate would:

them: Hello! Could I speak to Paul C...(I don't remember how to spell his name.)(It was never pronounce correctly anyways.)
Paul: No, I am sorry. His not home right now. This is his boyfriend. Can I help you with anything?

Usually they just said no thank you and hung up.

I always found it amusing. I don't know if you would be interested in proclaiming your homosexuality or not,but it is amusing. I do know a few straight men who have usued it.
[User Picture]
Date:February 12th, 2004 10:40 pm (UTC)
Y'know, ever since I switched to being strictly on a cell phone (about 5 months ago), I haven't gotten a SINGLE telephonic spam-equivalent call. Either the tiny phones confuse telemarketers, legislation really has nearly extinguished their business, or My reputation has scared them off.
[User Picture]
Date:February 13th, 2004 06:09 pm (UTC)
Ahh Colin, I can always expect a good response to telemarketers from you. But my uncle is quite heart broken, you see. Your words cut deep and still deeper ran the 50 pound pen that fell on his head earlier in New Boonestown. I blame marketing of tortilla chips for it all.

But to return from digression is blasphemy. I am r a blasphemer. Who can't spell. Fired. Anyways I like answering the land line (errrrrrrr when we had one) in a ridiculous way. I once said "Special house of cashews, we can 'em." Their response was to hang up. Hey, if they don't know me by my job at the cashew plant by now they can just drive a squash into the eastern sunset.
[User Picture]
Date:February 13th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
Matt, I appreciate your sentiment, but please, my brother Malcolm was killed in a serious eastern squash-driving incident. Let's have no more discussion on the matter.
Garmonbozia for the soul.

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