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October 14th, 2014


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10:55 pm - 31 Days of Halloween: The Unborn
Y'know who needs to stop making movies right now? Michael Bay.

Seriously. The guy is an idiot, and his movies are full of sound and fury but signify nothing. He probably doesn't even know that quote well enough to unbutcher it, let alone the fact that it's from Richard III.

It's not from Richard III of course, it's from Macbeth, but he probably doesn't know that either.

Michael Bay is superlatively good at making fast, explosive movies full of action but little substance. The plots of his movies either unravel under scrutiny (I'm looking at you, the "science" of Armageddon), or they're completely incomprehensible (Transformers), and they're so loud and flashy and dumb that people tend not to notice.

Bay produced The Unborn, which--as usual--is exciting while it's happening, but ultimately pointless.

I would like to point out that I didn't realize until I looked it up that this was a Bay movie. All that disgust and bile was earned by the actual film before I started doing research for this review.

Look, do you really want to know? You do? Ok.

The Unborn follows Casey, a nice, college-age girl who is being haunted by a pale-faced preteen who tells her that "Jumby wants to be born now". Jumby, as it turns out, was the nickname her mother had given to the unborn twin nobody ever told Casey about; he was strangled in the room by her umbilical cord.

Casey's family has been cursed for generations by a dybbuk--a malicious spirit--who has been desperately trying to enter the physical world by possessing the body of an unborn child. Casey's mother lost her mind and committed suicide after Jumby's stillbirth. There's also some stuff involving her grandmother's captivity in a Nazi concentration camp and a veneer of Jewish folklore, but it doesn't add up to much before Rabbi Gary Oldman shows up to perform an exorcism, at which point they turn up the wind machine and ramp up the CGI.

I dunno, I'm not sure why I'm being so cruel to this movie, but I did not like it. The critics didn't either, apparently. Too many jump scares and CGI, lots of portent but not enough substance to make it worthwhile. Gary Oldman is wasted on a much better performance than is required, but that doesn't mean you should see it.

Here's the trailer.

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31 Days of Halloween: The Unborn - Garmonbozia for the soul.

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