Colin Timothy Gagnon (sacredspud) wrote,
Colin Timothy Gagnon

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Mr. Waddams Goes to Boston

Yes, yes, I know, Milton Waddams had one o' them red Swingline staplers, but my new stapler is black. It's made by Boston (the stapler company, not the band), and it's the scariest stapler I've ever seen.

My electric stapler here at work broke in early August. Normally replacement would take less than 48 hours, but my vacation, my boss's vacation, and general clerical laziness postponed its arrival until today.

My new toy is built for extra-thick documents, and it requires a special kind of staple. Since we don't usually stock the special staples, they ordered me three extra boxes of 5,000 staples each.

I now have 20,000 staples at my desk.

My records show me that it took me a little less than two months to go through my last box of 5,000 staples, so 20,000 is not such a daunting number as it might at first seem. Then again, I have no idea how long it's going to take me to work through them because I'm afraid to use this new stapler. I'd asked for something capable of handling "up to 30 pages," and the box says I can do up to 50. Do you have any idea how much force it takes to ram a staple through 50 pages of paper? The answer is "plenty."

It's not the way the new stapler rips the pages from my hands if I hold them too tightly. It's not the way the suction cup underneath occasionally unseals from my desk making the stapler jump into the air. It's not even the fact that the staples tend to cut through the first page or two of each document, thereby rendering the staple pointless.

What bothers me is that every time I use my new stapler, it sounds as if I'm pounding my fist on my desk. I've been accused of doing that, had two people ask me why I'm so upset, and been asked by a CSR who was on the phone to "stop banging around." These things only happened this afternoon -- I can't wait until I get going tomorrow morning. My cubicle is going to sound like a pneumatic drill.
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