Colin Timothy Gagnon (sacredspud) wrote,
Colin Timothy Gagnon
sacredspud

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"...and only a few of them are transvestites."

The internal website where I work has a section where our CEO answers submitted to him by employees. I doubt he answers all (or even most) of the questions he gets because I just know that he gets inundated with every inane "Why do I have to pay 70¢ to get a candy bar out of the vending machine?" and "Why can't we have a selection of scented hand soaps in the bathrooms?" More likely he only posts answers that either make the company look good or quell malcontent gossip (hence the occasional "I spoke with your manager's manager's manager, and she says that you are compensated fairly and competitively. Therefore, I think you will find that you are compensated fairly and competitively.").

Frank's* answers are usually full of quotable P.R. rhetoric. The simplest yes or no answer is stated as a "Thank you for your question," followed by a minimum of a hundred words about who answered the question for him, how they arrived at this particular answer, and so on. They read like mini-press releases.

The most recent edition of Ask Frank!** features a question about the lamp posts in the parking lot at one of the Milwaukee-area locations:
"Is it possible that the lamp posts could be covered with some sort of low-friction plastic to avoid damage to vehicles? Even the smallest dent or scratch can cost a great deal to repair."
Frank's eloquent, soundbyte-worthy, hundred plus-word response?
"At this time there is no plan to cover the lamp posts in plastic."
Translation:
"Stop driving like an idiot, idiot."

* Actually his real name.

** Not its real title.
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