September 27th, 2005
|09:32 pm - Freetime vs. downtime|
"We'll never replace you with a computer."
-- John Bear on how to assure somebody
that they're not getting fired in his book,
Computer Wimp (Hutchinson, 1983).
Two of my coworkers were "let go" this afternoon.
That's a helluva euphemism:
42. INT. BOARD ROOM OF THE HUGELY INEFFICIENT CORPORATION, LLC. DAY.
I'm really not sure what that was all about.
This is an enormously large, dark room. The walls are lined with jungle
foliage, and we can hear a fountain circulating water. Windows line the
walls at the extreme ends of the room, but all are covered in thick, drawn
curtains. One curtain is open, and a shaft of sunlight rests on an antique
and busily humming stock ticker.
In the center of the room is an expensive mahogany table, so long that the
far end vanishes in the distance. The board of directors is seated around
the table. They are all impossibly old men, and each is illuminated
slightly by a squat but elegant lamp on the table in front of him. Although
we can’t see him, Richard A. Saxxon sits at the head of the table.
Corporate Lackey #27B-6 is just finishing his weekly report to the Board.
...and this morning I personally oversaw
the execution of our entire legal
department so that they might meet with
this God person and see if we can’t reach
some compromise regarding this antiquated
and frankly silly idea of free will.
There is a smattering of applause from the other lackeys. 27B-6 nods
politely and takes his seat. An intercom makes a muffled chirp, and the
applause stops immediately.
What is it?
Mr. Meeks is here to see you.
Who? Oh yes. Send him in.
After a moment of silence, the elevator ding!s, and we hear the low, heavy
sounds of a cumbersome locking mechanism being opened. The door opens, and
Jeffrey Meeks steps into the room. He wears a simple gray suit with a black
tie, and is clutching a matching hat to his chest.
You wanted to see me sir?
Ah, Mr. Weakes.
Yes, of course. Are you comfortable, Mr.
Excellent. Good. Glad to hear it.
For the first time we become aware of something lurking in the shadows of
the room. It blinks two unnaturally luminous, yellow eyes as it shifts its
position. We see the suggestion of wings and horns as it moves.
Yes, Mr. Brown. I have -- and by “I” I
mean “we,” and by “we” I mean “various and
sundry underlings, minions, underlings of
minions, lesser servitors, familiars and
the like” – I have evaluated your
position, weighed and measured your value
to the miserable bacterium that is your
department in the Petri dish of our
company, and I (that is, we) have decided
to let you go.
Yes Watson, we have held you at tether
long enough. Your years of subservient
bondage – how many, incidentally?
Er, fifty three, sir.
Yes Luffner. Those fifty three torturous
years as a –
Sub-Sub Peon, Second Class, sir.
Whatever, Grier. The moment of your
liberty is at hand! Take wing, Mr.
Johnson! Soar, like the mighty hawk!
Ascend! Ascend, and leave behind you the
fetters of pension and financial
Wilson, pull the lever! Grant the man his
And – oh, Meeks, wasn’t it?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Meeks screams as a trapdoor below him opens. He falls, and a pillar of
flame bursts briefly through the trapdoor as it reseals itself. In the
brief flash, we see that the members of the board are all animated corpses
in various stages of decay.
Gentlemen, I’ll relieve you for the rest
of the day.
The board members begin to gather their things and file out of the room.
Saxxon presses the button for his intercom.
Fetch my pineapple. I need to be alone.
We'd known about the staffing cut for a long time, but it got postponed when my boss' boss quit unexpectedly, and her replacement wanted to get a feel for the department before making any major changes. The company did a bunch of hiring during the aftermath of September 11th. It took quite some time for things to slow down, but eventually they did. On top of that, Visa has been bringing a lot of their process up to date. Systems that had once been handled via paper correspondence are now handled over the Internet. Incidentally, MasterCard did this like, five years before Visa did. The point is that things are changing, and thanks to automation, a few humans had to be cut out of the picture.
If our department were a homogeneous group, I would have been the first logical person to go. I was the newest hire. I don't do grunt work (peons in my department have some degree of job security because the repetitive, boring tasks they do require a great deal of training), but I lack the knowledge and experience most of my coworkers have. The department is split between specialists who handle merchant disputes and specialists who handle cardholder disputes. I guess I got lucky by choosing to switch over to the merchant side of things back in 2002. Our tasks are such that we have just enough work to keep four people occupied. Gaining or losing an employee wouldn't be a good idea. The cardholder side has been "sorta kinda overstaffed" for awhile, though, hence the cuts.
My boss says that deciding who to cut was a tough decision -- that's why she "makes the big bucks." I don't envy her position. Choosing two people to cut would have been difficult, and considering the two who got cut (not that I have any better ideas), I think her primary criteria must have been "is ___________ happy here?" I can't speak for both, but at least one of them was miserable and couldn't admit it to herself. I think -- I hope -- that this will be the catalyst she needs to begin work on all of the major life changes (things like "move to Seattle") that have been piling up on her to-do list.
Myself, I'm just trying to look worthwhile. I entered the job market right after September 11th, and it's not like anybody was looking to hire untested programming talent. I ended up going into a different field entirely. It's really too bad since I'm so good with COBOL. Everybody needs COBOL programmers because everybody designed their first mainframe system with it. COBOL programs are cumbersomely huge and hulkingly convoluted, but the prospect of migrating from your IBM 390 to a Windows or Linux or Mac (scratch that last one -- let's be serious) network is expensive and daunting and fraught with opportunities for failure. COBOL isn't a well-liked language, but it's a stable one that isn't going away. Nothing says job security like designing a vital system which nobody else can maintain.
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Brian Dewan -- The Violin
Well. Um. Yeah, at least you're not one of those that were "let go". But, maybe that would be a good thing? I don't know if you hate your job or not or what. I'm dumb like that.
No, I actually really like my job, I'm just a little unsettled by the fact that I'm only still working here as a result of a somewhat arbitrary decision I made a couple of years ago. Frankly, one of the people who got let go could have taken my job, but my boss probably didn't consider that. It was probably easier to get rid of somebody who didn't really want to be here than to ask that person to take my position, cut me, and then hold her hand while she gets up to speed on what I'm doing.
I don't think my boss was considering that at all, but she could have.
I suppose the job market in Madison hasn't gotten any better in the last four years. At least you seen to enjoy your job. That helps.
You're definitely right. I'm not complaining about my job (cuz, y'know, I enjoy it), I'm just thinking that had I not been in a particularly lean part of the department already, I'd be fired "liberated" now.
And for that matter, given the choice, I'd probably still stay out of computers.
I guess the only advice I can offer is this: Since it wasn't you that got cut, feel glad, count your blessings, and be happy you've found a job that you like! :)
You all know my employment status--not. If only I could find a job that I liked, and worked with my school schedule (which gets done around February/March).... The fact that you've found a job you like is great!
Yeah...*depressed look of apprehension*...Yeah.
Well, Rob's right about that, but it took me awhile to find something here that I liked. I took the first position I was in because it was available and I was a temp, then I got moved to a position which I hated so much that I cursed my own mental stability (I was honestly hoping I'd have a nervous breakdown (I'm not kidding)). Finally I got moved to my current department, which has ended up working out.
My point (I guess I have one) is that employment is a necessary evil. The trick is to find something that's pleasant enough for you to dedicate 40 hours a week to it. I still look around, but at least my current job isn't destroying my soul. The previous one did, but I couldn't afford to leave without something else lined up, and I was crossing my fingers for workman's compensation when the breakdown hit.