Colin Timothy Gagnon (sacredspud) wrote,
Colin Timothy Gagnon

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The Jelly Bean Trick: Caught on Tape!

First of all: offBeat Acappella performs: Thursday, September 15th at Mill Street Inn & Pub in Cambridge. 7:00 PM. Come on out and see us.

Nothing spectacular happened today. I went to work, I came home. I went to Half Price Books but didn't buy anything. ribsinbacon and I yelled at each other a lot. We were joking around, but it probably unnerved our neighbors. I made plans to hang out with Ellen on Friday, and I finally put up my everybody! everybody! poster. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about today. I want to talk about Sunday, and I thank you for indulging me.

Something horrible happened at Sean's place in Schaumberg on Sunday.

See, way back in... I dunno, 1998 or so (I'm guessing because I was thin and had long hair), Sean videotaped a bunch of his friends giving various reactions for a game show computer game he was designing. I was one of the contestants, and one of the things which was captured on video was The Jelly Bean Trick. I had forgotten about this until Sunday when we watched the video and everybody saw it.

I guess I need to explain the history of The Jelly Bean Trick.

The Jelly Bean Trick is something I used to do to annoy my sister. It was this innocuous little thing which would send her into a near-violent rage when I was fifteen and she was eleven. These days we're quite a bit more mature. She's old enough to handle The Jelly Bean Trick, and I'm old enough not to do it. Although I find it quite amusing, I have never been proud of The Jelly Bean Trick. I refuse to discuss it in polite company, and rarely reveal it in private. The Jelly Bean Trick is one of those things which is simply never discussed in order to maintain an appropriate air of mystery. I have protected and cherished it, and performed it only for a select few. I am greatly distressed by the fact that a copy of The Jelly Bean Trick exists on video, and I can only hope that it never falls into the wrong hands, lest its crippling effects bring about the collapse of the civilized world.

"Yes, yes," I hear you crying, "but what exactly is The Jelly Bean Trick?"

I cannot divulge that information. I will mention that it plays an integral role in Captain Spleen ][, a really crappy computer game I wrote when I was in high school. At one point in the game, you find yourself in a dark alleyway, confronted by a shadowy figure:

"Psst, buddy!" says the shadowy figure. "Wanna learn the Jelly Bean Trick?"

Assuming you click yes, the game responds:

"Wise choice," he says, and promptly teaches you the Jelly Bean Trick.

"Live long and prosper in the knowledge of how to perform the Jelly Bean Trick."

He gives you two jelly beans so that you may perform the trick for your friends.

Later on in the game, you've arrived at the corporate offices of Astrosoft which, coincidentally, serve as the home base of the militant political group MS-DOS. My friend Robert and I have been kidnapped by MS-DOS, and it's your job to rescue us. I'm not kidding -- that's what the game is about. Anyway, deep inside the bowels of the Astrosoft building:
You approach the conspicuous door. All of a sudden, the monitor lights up.

"Who's there?" demands the guy with really big eyes.

"It's me, Captain Spleen," you say, forgetting that this isn't the best time to start dropping your name.

"You can't come in here," he says.

"Why not?"

"We don't want you to win."
"Hey, I wanna show you something."

"What?" he asks, without enthusiasm.

You take the two jelly beans out of your pocket, and perform The Jelly Bean Trick.

"NOOO!" screams the guard, and runs away screaming.

Such are the mind-rending effects of The Jelly Bean Trick.

In the game, a sound is played every time The Jelly Bean Trick is performed. The sound, in case your morbid curiosity gets the better of you, can be found here. I beg you to be careful while listening.

Now, thanks to a comment laviorli posted in response to the entry I made late last night (well, actually early this morning), it looks as if The Jelly Bean Trick may potentially be resurrected in bootleg video form.

Please, oh please, for the sake of your children, do not support the awareness of The Jelly Bean Trick. The world simply is not ready for it, and really, why are you giving your kids rice wine in the first place?
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