Colin Timothy Gagnon (sacredspud) wrote,
Colin Timothy Gagnon

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What's My Angel?

The Muzak at work is playing The Pretenders' cover of Angel of the Morning, which reminds me of a kid I used to know named Chad. I’m not talking not the Chad who's been so savagely discussed on my Friends list over the last week. I'm talking about a different Chad whom I haven't seen since high school. He moved away when we were in eighth grade and visited periodically after that... He came to theenigma42's 16th birthday party after he got his driver's license, and that may be the last time I saw him. By that time he'd completely retooled his personality, having fallen in with that clique who used to park their trucks outside the grocery store and blare rap and country music. Occasionally they'd get tickets for underage alcohol possession, and I remember a few of them who got suspended for using school printing equipment to make bumper stickers that said things like, "Wanted: Small, black man for use as mudflap."

Chad sort of fell out of our social group, and nobody -- least of all him -- felt too bad about that.

But I digress. The whole point of bringing up Chad was to mention that one day when we were in middle school, he triumphantly announced that he was getting a pornographic computer game for Christmas. Chad's parents were in the habit of buying a lot of pornography and making no attempt to hide it from their kids, so when Chad and his brother went snooping around the house in search of unwrapped presents and came across a game called What's My Angel?, they decided it was porn and that they were getting it for Christmas.

They were half right.

Even to my twelve-year-old mind, the phrase "What's My Angel?" was neither suggestive nor logical. I thought maybe they'd misread the title because "Who's My Angel?" sounded plausible, but I still couldn't imagine Chad's parents outright purchasing porn for their kids, especially considering the great (and ineffective) effort they had put into password-protecting their copy of Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. Then again, Chad actually found the game, right? He must have held it in his hands and seen the artwork adorning the packaging, and that surely would have disclosed the true nature of the game.

Anyway, the Christmas of 1992 came and went, and having been so incredulous about the game, I completely forgot about it until about a month later when somebody at the lunch table recalled Chad's former excitement.

"Hey," he said, "Can you make me a copy of that porno game your parents bought you?"

"It's not a porno game," said Chad. "It's about angels."

"Like in church?"

"No, math angels. Like right angels and obtuse angels. 45-degree angels."

There was silence at the lunch table until I said, "you mean angles?"

"There's more than one way to say it," said Chad.

To this day I can't hear the phrase "45-degree angle" without imagining a winged fellow with a halo rocketing off into the wild, blue yonder. "Up, up, and away!"

The mystery remains, however, as to what was depicted on the packaging of the game. Educational software for the home is not a lucrative business, and I can only assume that What's My Angle? fell victim to a remarkably ill-advised marketing strategy.
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