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September 26th, 2006


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04:54 pm - Mr. Waddams Goes to Boston
Yes, yes, I know, Milton Waddams had one o' them red Swingline staplers, but my new stapler is black. It's made by Boston (the stapler company, not the band), and it's the scariest stapler I've ever seen.

My electric stapler here at work broke in early August. Normally replacement would take less than 48 hours, but my vacation, my boss's vacation, and general clerical laziness postponed its arrival until today.

My new toy is built for extra-thick documents, and it requires a special kind of staple. Since we don't usually stock the special staples, they ordered me three extra boxes of 5,000 staples each.

I now have 20,000 staples at my desk.

My records show me that it took me a little less than two months to go through my last box of 5,000 staples, so 20,000 is not such a daunting number as it might at first seem. Then again, I have no idea how long it's going to take me to work through them because I'm afraid to use this new stapler. I'd asked for something capable of handling "up to 30 pages," and the box says I can do up to 50. Do you have any idea how much force it takes to ram a staple through 50 pages of paper? The answer is "plenty."

It's not the way the new stapler rips the pages from my hands if I hold them too tightly. It's not the way the suction cup underneath occasionally unseals from my desk making the stapler jump into the air. It's not even the fact that the staples tend to cut through the first page or two of each document, thereby rendering the staple pointless.

What bothers me is that every time I use my new stapler, it sounds as if I'm pounding my fist on my desk. I've been accused of doing that, had two people ask me why I'm so upset, and been asked by a CSR who was on the phone to "stop banging around." These things only happened this afternoon -- I can't wait until I get going tomorrow morning. My cubicle is going to sound like a pneumatic drill.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Space Quest IV: Roger Wilco and the Time Rippers soundtrack

(11 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:defaultlisa
Date:September 26th, 2006 10:40 pm (UTC)
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I have been afraid of electric staplers since accidentally stapling my thumb in oh, maybe second grade.

Thanks a lot for the painful memory!
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:September 27th, 2006 03:50 am (UTC)
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No problem! Someday I'll tell you about the time when I was three and I tried to sharpen my finger in one of those crank pencil sharpeners.
[User Picture]
From:defaultlisa
Date:September 27th, 2006 01:00 pm (UTC)
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I always wondered about that, but never got around to trying it.
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:September 27th, 2006 01:54 pm (UTC)
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It rates pretty high on a scale of one to Not a Good Idea.
[User Picture]
From:seanorange
Date:September 26th, 2006 11:53 pm (UTC)
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This sounds like Milton's spiel.

~Sean
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:September 27th, 2006 03:51 am (UTC)
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...and I said "no salt! No salt!"
[User Picture]
From:laviorli
Date:September 27th, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
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*laugh* that's really funny Colin, can you record the sound so we can all hear it? Maybe you could use it as a percussion instrument.
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:September 27th, 2006 03:51 am (UTC)
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I was seriously considering that. If you're good (and I get bored) I'll record it for you tomorrow.
[User Picture]
From:laviorli
Date:September 27th, 2006 05:22 am (UTC)
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yay!
[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:September 27th, 2006 05:33 am (UTC)
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If the new stapler really bothers you you can always use a virtual stapler. I don't think it's updated in five years but it's still there!
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:September 29th, 2006 02:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
Wow, it's been a long time since I've seen that site. I'd forgotten it existed. Still, I'm not surprised that it's still around -- useful sites like that have a certain longevity.
Mr. Waddams Goes to Boston - Garmonbozia for the soul.

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