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June 12th, 2006


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11:56 pm - Mandatory (late) birthday post
So yesterday, as some of you know, was my birthday.

Over the last couple of years it's become manifestly obvious that I shouldn't warn people about my birthday because it never ends up being a good experience. Either somebody plans a party for me which doesn't get canceled until after I've turned down other (often better) offers, or the party gets commandeered by other people who want to do other things, or everybody forgets, or...

What I hate most is surprises.

My dislike of surprises is not categorical. I don't mind getting an unexpected potato cookbook (thanks Keith!) or learning that someone donated $250 to NPR in my name, thereby getting me the official Lake Wobegon spatula, signed by Garrison Keillor hisself (thanks, __________! (it's not too late to fill that blank with your name), but there are some surprises that I really don't want to have to deal with.

Like when they decorate my desk at work.
In order not to waste your time, I'm going to state up front that nothing spectacular or horrible happened to my desk this year.
I hate when they fiddle with my desk because it interrupts my workflow. There is nothing more maddening to me than discovering, just after I've finally decided to stop screwing around, that my stapler has been filled with bubblegum. Okay, that one's never actually happened, but every once in awhile the Funny Guy Who Shall Remain Nameless (But Deserves a Punch in the Face) steals my phone cord or hides all the work in my inbox or wastes my Post-It!™ notes by wallpapering my cubicle. These incidents were much more common before he got talked to about taping a sign to my monitor that said "I'm in the bathroom adjusting my privates" during my week of vacation (actually, I got talked to, and then he got talked to). Still, this crap increases tenfold on my birthday. Anyone's birthday, really, but I get more of it than most people. The reasoning, I think, is that since I'm the young, quirky guy with a great sense of humor(!), I must love finding myself unable to do my work because whomever sabotaged my desk went home early.

About a year ago I semi-consciously decided to take a passive-aggressive stance against this stuff. I stopped acknowledging sabotage. I pretend to take sarcasm at face value (I do that anyway. It's unnerving). If the Funny Guy Who Shall Remain Nameless (But Deserves a Punch in the Face) hides my work, I pretend not to have noticed. My workflow determines, in part, his own workflow, and he freaks out when he realizes he's caused it to dry up.

This has turned out to be a really effective way to handle the problem. Today I was pleased when everything was where I'd left it and none of my overhead cabinets dumped glitter into my keyboard. There were minimal decorations, and nothing that would clog the vacuum cleaner (like the confetti in 2002) or take forever to dispose of (like the toilet paper in 2004). No dried fruit was involved (as in the Great Wall of Named Raisins), nor were there pants pinned to the ceiling above my head. These are plusses.

Also, pleasingly, someone had made banana bread. I s'pose that if the AEG still worked here I'd have had a Waldorf Astoria Cake, but no normal human being can be expected to have as much free time as that woman did. Anyway, the banana bread was free and delicious. I'm not disdainful of free and delicious.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I expect that I'll come in tomorrow to find that they've, oh, I don't know, filled my cubicle with pudding or something (like in 2003), but my coworkers are probably not nefarious enough to do that. If I'm in the news tomorrow evening for having brought a gun to work* after my lunchbreak, well, you'll know why.

* Homeland Security disclaimer: I'm kidding about that, by the way. I haven't got a gun, I lack the money and desire to purchase one, and the mandatory waiting period means that even if I bought one, I wouldn't get it until the end of the week. I can just see how that sale would go down: "48 hours? But I'm disgruntled now!"
Current Mood: okayfine
Current Music: Salvador Dalis -- Until It Makes You Sick

(7 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:June 13th, 2006 06:31 am (UTC)
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You could still buy bullets over the counter & throw them at people.
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:June 14th, 2006 04:11 pm (UTC)
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This is a joke that I used to make whenever I played multiplayer Goldeneye, because I was really good at finding bullets, not so much at finding guns.

I was so displeased when the trailer for the movie Rush Hour 2 came out, and contained the same joke.

And, while I'm digressing, I might as well mention that I discovered a near-perfect strategy for Goldeneye: select the kid or Oddjob as your character, and crouch constantly. The bullets whiz right over your head, and you can punch the other players to death.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:June 14th, 2006 04:11 pm (UTC)
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Yeah... I was really depressed when I sent you that, not that the sentiment is any different now.
[User Picture]
From:agaysexicon
Date:June 13th, 2006 10:07 pm (UTC)
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I think I'm one of the few people I know who actually and genuinely wants to own a WPD (Weapon of Piercing Destruction, aka a "Hole Borer" and, rarely, a Glock 17 with wedding ring radio unlocking mechanism with the ability to be a fully automatic handgun and a 17 bullet magazine that can be completely discharged in little over a second pistol.) and doesn't because it would violate my lease. I'm a little weird, but I figgur that if the constitution is gonna let me, with ADHD and accuracy issues, own a handgun, I might as well take them up on the offer. And I might as well own a Glock 17.

Your post, however, reminds me that I do, indeed, miss an office setting for my job.
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:June 14th, 2006 04:13 pm (UTC)
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I go back and forth as to whether I like working in an office.

Anyway, I'm beginning to think that I should consider purchasing a gun, if only to protect myself from all of the maniacs who own guns.
[User Picture]
From:the_tick27
Date:June 14th, 2006 08:46 am (UTC)
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Man you got banna bred, all i got from my jom on my birthday was getting to clean puke off the wal and doors out side.(that might not sound so bad exsept that my birthday is in the middel of winter.)
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:June 14th, 2006 04:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That's really lousy. And kind of funny. But mostly lousy.

We gotta talk about this weekend.
Mandatory (late) birthday post - Garmonbozia for the soul.

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