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March 31st, 2006


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07:58 pm - Leather Goddesses of Phobos transcript
You should probably glance at my last entry before you read this one.

So here is the full text (almost) of Leather Goddesses of Phobos played beginning to end using a walkthru. Normally it's about 84K of text, but livejournal allows entries of no more than 64K. I cut some of the repeated text, namely a large chunk of navigation through the maze of catacombs. Otherwise, it's all here. It's long, but it's exceptionally entertaining and most of you would never otherwise have a chance to read it.

Quick and interesting note about gender in LGOP: The transcript below is the male version of the game, but there's female version, too, in which your sidekick is named Tiffany instead of Trent, and your love interests are all male. Your gender is determined by which bathroom you enter at the beginning of the game, which I think was rather ingenious. Anyway, the transcript:



Some material in this story may not be suitable for children, especially the parts involving sex, which no one should know anything about until reaching the age of eighteen (twenty-one in certain states). This story is also unsuitable for censors, members of the Moral Majority, and anyone else who thinks that sex is dirty rather than fun.
  The attitudes expressed and language used in this story are representative only of the views of the author, and in no way represent the views of Infocom, Inc. or its employees, many of whom are children, censors, and members of the Moral Majority. (But very few of whom, based on last year's Christmas Party, think that sex is dirty.)
  By now, all the folks who might be offended by LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS have whipped their disk out of their drive and, evidence in hand, are indignantly huffing toward their dealer, their lawyer, or their favorite repression-oriented politico. So... Hit the RETURN/ENTER key to begin!

The place: Upper Sandusky, Ohio. The time: 1936. The beer: at a nickel a mug, you don't ask for brand names. All you know is that your fifth one tasted as bad as the first.

LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS
Infocom interactive fiction -- a racy space-age spoof
Copyright (c) 1986 by Infocom, Inc. All rights reserved.
LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS is a trademark of Infocom, Inc.
Release 59 / Serial number 860730

Joe's Bar
  An undistinguished bar, yet the social center of Upper Sandusky. The front door is almost lost amidst the hazy maze of neon that shrouds the grimy glass of the south wall. Doors marked "Ladies" and "Gents" lead, respectively, northeast and northwest.
  You feel an urge.

>GO NORTHWEST
Gents' Room
  This filthy bathroom belies the existence of disinfectant. A single toilet and sink are the only fixtures. More breathable air can be found to the southeast.
  You can see a stool here.

>GET STOOL
Taken.
  You trace the urge to the region of your bladder.

>USE THE POTTY
Ahhh...
  Now that the "crisis" has passed, you notice a strong and familiar odor pervading the room.

>GO SOUTHEAST
Joe's Bar
  A brilliant flash of green light seems less unusual when followed by the appearance of tentacled aliens, as is the case with the current flash of green light. The tentacles wrap roughly around you as you faint.
  After an unknown amount of time... Well, let's cut the bullshit. 7.3 hours later, you wake. Your head feels as if it's been run over by several locomotives, or at least one very large locomotive, and your clothes have been replaced by a brass loincloth...

Cell
  You are in a large cell with a soft, cushiony floor. A wide door (closed, naturally) forms the southern wall of the cell.
  Hanging on the wall is a painting of a pussy cat.
  You can see a flashlight, a stool and a blanket here.
  Someone thrusts a tray into your cell. A hunk of brown food on the tray looks unappetizing, but smells deliciously familiar.

>GET ALL
Taken.

>OPEN DOOR
The wide cell door swings open.

>GO SOUTH
End of Hallway
  A wide cell door lies open to the north, and a narrow cell door lies closed to the south. The hallway ends at a gleaming metal door to the west, and continues east. Something, possibly this very sentence, tells you that it would be dangerous to travel east or west. A sign is posted next to the stairs which lead both upwards and downwards.

>OPEN NARROW DOOR
The narrow cell door swings open.

>GO SOUTH
As you enter, a man sitting limply in the shadows stiffens and rises to his feet. "A human! They got you too? I've been here a week. When you opened the door, I figured it was a guard! Was it unlocked? I never thought of trying it. By the way, my name's Trent. From Alaska. I'm not too bright, but I'm strong as an ox, and I'm great with my hands. Maybe we can lick these Leather Goddesses together."

Other Cell
  You are in a very tiny room with a rock-hard floor. A narrow cell door to the north is open.
  A crumpled paper lies discarded in the corner. There seems to be some writing on it.
  Trent is here, doing some quick limbering exercises.

>GET PAPER
Taken. There's a seemingly meaningless matrix of letters on the paper:
HESOHREBBUR
ILSSSIPNGEF
RGIUGHTHDEN
SNKOOBENOHP
FALYTMERATP
SHEADLIGHTO
SLLABNOTTOC
Note: Sup? It's Colin. This paper contains a scrambled message listing the things Trent needs to make his anti-Leather Goddesses machine at the end of the game. They are: a blender, a rubber hose, a phonebook, an angle, cotton balls, a photo, a mouse and a headlight.


>GO NORTH
End of Hallway

>GO UP
Observation Room
  Calvin Coolidge once described windows as "rectangles of glass." If so, he may have been thinking about the window which fills the western wall of this room. A tiny closet lies to the north. A sign is posted next to the stairs which lead both upwards and downwards.

>GO NORTH
It's too dark to see a thing. There's a distinctive odor here, though.

>TURN ON FLASHLIGHT
Okay, the flashlight is now on.

Closet
  This room is barely large enough to turn around in. Just to prove it, you turn around. As you do, you spot a black circle, about two feet across, seemingly painted on the floor in the corner. A shelf protrudes from one wall, very close to the ceiling. The closet is open to the south. A strong odor pervades the closet.
  Trent is counting on his fingers and mumbling to himself.
  Sitting on the shelf is a wicker basket.

>STAND ON TRENT
Using Trent's shoulders, you get everything from the shelf.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Jungle
  You are surrounded by hot, steamy, primitive rain forest. Judging by the overpowering heat, the excessive humidity, and especially by the gigantic Venus flytrap sidling your way, you must be in the death-clogged jungles of Venus.
  A path runs east-west through the jungle, but don't even think about going west unless you love wading into four tons of man-eating lettuce.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's elbow appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.
  The Venus flytrap sidles closer.

>HISS
The Venus flytrap assumes the hissing is a spray can of weed killer, dies of fright, and is immediately consumed by parasites who live inside flytraps waiting for just such an occasion.

>GO WEST
Spawning Ground
  As if this hasn't already been a rough enough day, you have stumbled upon a spawning ground for Venusian slime beasts. The ground is oozy with proto-slime. Fortunately, these beasts are still in the earliest (and least deadly) stage. Only one spot is free of slime: the black circle near the path to the east.
  Inexplicably, sitting next to the circle, untouched by time or slime, is a jar of ointment.

>GET JAR
Taken. The label is marked "Untagling Cream."

>PUT ALL IN BASKET
Done.
There's no room in the wicker basket for the stool.
You change your mind about the rule book and stick it back in your back pocket instead.
You can't put the brass loincloth in the basket without removing it.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Hold
  You are in the cargo hold of a giant spaceship. A tiny viewport is set into the curving steel hull, and arched passageways lead in directions that we will arbitrarily call south and southwest.
  One item in the hold is a sword, a potent weapon with a long, hard blade of glistening steel.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's big toe appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.
  A radium-powered grenade clatters against the deck! You glimpse a shadowy figure, dressed in black, slipping away. Trent yells to hit the deck, and hurls himself onto the grenade!
  A sickening explosion splatters Trent all around the room! As you struggle to control your shock and nausea, your eyes fill with tears. You hang your head in sorrow for a moment to honor your brave, loyal companion who gave his life that humanity might be safe from the terrible scourge of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.

>GET SWORD
Taken.

>GO SOUTH
Stable
  This must be the flagship for the Leather Goddesses of Phobos Main Attack Fleet, since this stable contains the Leather Goddesses of Phobos Main Attack Fleet Cavalry Mounts. The most striking horse is a magnificent white stallion. There are exits to the "north" and "west."

>MOUNT STALLION
You are now on the stallion.

>GO WEST
Kicking your proud mount forcefully in the flank, you gallop down a long corridor pulsing with light. Above the echoes of the hoofbeats, you can hear, almost feel, the throbbing of mighty engines. After a minute of wild riding...

At Main Hatch, on the stallion
  To the "north," the main hatch of the flagship is closed. A long corridor leads "east."
  Hanging by the hatch is a white, form-fitting therma suit.

>DISMOUNT
You dismount.

>GET SUIT
Taken.

>WEAR SUIT
You're now wearing the white suit.

>OPEN HATCH
The hatch swings open.

>GO NORTH
In Space
  You are floating in outer space near a battleship (to the "south") and a small passenger spaceship (to the "north"). Hanging from the base of the long, potent-looking battleship are two pendulous, brimming fuel tanks. Saturn looms above (below?) you, her rings sparkling in the sunlight.
  A figure in black, doubtless the same person who tossed the grenade into the hold, is near the smaller ship. Given his mean expression and characteristic black outfit, it must be Thorbast, the Chief Assassin for the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
  Thorbast is struggling with a young woman of wealthy garb and demeanor. Noticing you, he straps the woman to the hull of the small passenger spaceship and jumps toward you, stopping just a few feet away.
  With a chillingly evil grin, he draws a long, pointed sword. "Ah, the escaped prisoner. Disposing of you will be a small but enjoyable feather in my cap." As he speaks, a foul odor wafts toward you.

>HIT THORBAST WITH SWORD
With a clang of steel, your sword smashes against Thorbast's!
  A bug-eyed monster, sort of a cross between a space squid and a humanoid tree, swims into view. Its hideous "bark" is covered with squirmy little suckers, and its branches wave about like tentacles. It takes one look around and heads straight towards the defenseless young woman.
  You fend off a volley of powerful blows, leaving you dizzy.
  You nick Thorbast on the arm, drawing blood!
  The alien monstrosity reaches the young woman, and its tentacles begin undulating toward her clothing.
  Thorbast lunges at your chest, but your own blade knocks his away in the nick of time.
  The monster begins to undress the poor young woman, who begins to shriek in terror.
  With a clang of steel, your sword smashes against Thorbast's!
  The monster continues to undress the poor young woman, who continues to shriek in terror.
  Thorbast feints backward and then launches a blow straight at your neck! Moving with a speed rarely associated with anything besides self-preservation, you parry, knocking the sword out of Thorbast's hands! It drifts toward you, spinning slowly.

>GET HIS SWORD
Taken. Thorbast eyes you warily.

>OFFER HIS SWORD TO THORBAST
As Thorbast accepts the sword, he realizes that such a gesture is the final proof that you are the good guy, and therefore he hasn't got a chance of winning. Being a practical person, Thorbast saves both of you a lot of time and aggravation by goring himself on his own blade. Spewing droplets of blood, his body drifts away into the blackness of space.
  The monster continues to undress the poor young woman, who continues to shriek in terror.

>HIT MONSTER WITH SWORD
The tree-monster squawks and flees, proving that its bark is worse than its bite.

>UNSTRAP YOUNG WOMAN
You untie the young woman who, beckoning you to follow, enters the small passenger spaceship.

>FOLLOW YOUNG WOMAN
Space Yacht
  This is the main cabin of a fashionable passenger ship, with exits to the "east" and "south."
  You can see a young woman here.
  The young woman turns to you. "I am called Elysia; my father is the wealthiest man in the system. You will be grandly rewarded for saving me from that horrid kidnapper."
  She grabs a photo off the wall, scribbles on the back of it, and hands it to you. "Here is father's address; see him the next time you're on Ganymede, and you will be handsomely repaid. But now, I must retire to my cabin to recover from this hideous ordeal." She curtsies, a bit unsteadily, and exits to the east, closing the door behind her.

>OPEN DOOR
The door swings open.

>GO EAST
Private Cabin
  You have entered a plush sleeping cabin. The young woman is standing in the center of the cabin, clutching her clothes, looking shocked to see you.
  "How dare you come in here without knocking! Am I to be allowed no privacy at all? Will my horror never end? Will..." She trails off and, as the multiple shocks of the day set in, begins sobbing. Moved, you take her in your arms.
  You dry her tears, and as your bodies press closer, hysteria slowly turns to lust. You tenderly lead Elysia to the bed, and within seconds, your bodies lock together in slow rhythm.
  After a series of spectacular climaxes, Elysia is struck with an idea. "Would... would you like to tie me up? It really turns me on..."
  Much, much later, making sure that Elysia is sleeping peacefully, you tiptoe out of the cabin, closing the door.

Space Yacht

>GO SOUTH
In Space

>GO SOUTH
At Main Hatch
  You can see a stallion here.
  You hear panting as Trent dashes up behind you, somewhat out of breath. "Good, you're still here! Thank God that time traveller who wandered by the hold had a matter reconstituter!"

>MOUNT STALLION
You are now on the stallion. Trent gets on behind you.

>GO EAST
Kicking your proud mount forcefully in the flank, you gallop down a long corridor pulsing with light. Above the echoes of the hoofbeats, you can hear, almost feel, the throbbing of mighty engines. After a minute of wild riding...

Stable, on the stallion

>DISMOUNT
You and Trent dismount.

>GO WEST
Long Corridor
  You are partway along an "east-west" hall of mind-numbing length. Rings of light pulsate along the corridor in rhythm with the ship's throbbing engines. A tiny alcove contains a black circle, and openings lead "east" and "northeast".
  Trent trots over to you. "I've got a plan to bring these Leather Goddess jokers to their knees," he says, flipping you a matchbook. The cover of the matchbook is filled with scrawled notations. "If we can scrape up these items, I can whip up something that'll knock 'em cold! A Super-Duper Anti-Leather Goddesses of Phobos Attack Machine!!!"

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Geronimo!
  Yow! You appear in midair, high above a canal-studded desertscape. The ground is approaching uncomfortably fast.
  Caw! Caw! A pterodactyl snatches you and Trent in midair and deposits you safely in...

Ruin
  This ancient castle now lies in ruins. All that remains of its once-proud ramparts are dust and rubble, and an occasional stone block. A path leads away from the ruin to the west. To the east: unchartable desert.
  Sitting on one of the stone blocks is a large green frog. Something about it catches your eye.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's left buttock appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO WEST
Martian Desert
  As you wander amidst these towering dunes of red Martian sand, you notice three distinct pathways: north, east, and west.

>GO WEST
Another Ruin
  Wind whistles among the fallen archways, crumbled balustrades, and black circle of this ruined castle. (There do seem to be quite a few of them around here, eh?) Paths lead east and northwest through the rubble.

>GO NORTHWEST
Hickory & Dickory Dock
  This dock, which extends north into a broad canal, is crafted of fine woods from across the solar system: hickory wood from the forests of Earth, and dickory wood from the jungles of Venus. A path leads south.
  You spot a little white marsmouse running along the dock.

>SHOW PAINTING TO MOUSE
The mouse freezes with fear.

>GET MOUSE
Taken.

>GO SOUTH
Another Ruin

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Basement
  This is a moist cellar. Soft light trickles down the stairway.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's nose appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO UP
End of Hallway

>GO UP
Observation Room

>GO NORTH
Closet

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Jungle
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's earlobe appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO EAST
A mighty tree rises before you in the center of the path. Suddenly and without warning (as is the nature of the jungle) it dies. Within seconds, the tree is consumed by Venusian hypertermites, which then move off in search of other dead trees, leaving a massive hole in the ground.

Fork, Of Sorts
  This jungle path once split here, went around a mighty tree, and rejoined off to the east. Now, it splits here, goes around a mighty hole, and rejoins off to the east.

>GO EAST
Clearing
  This is a tiny anti-oasis of barrenness amidst the teeming Venusian jungle. Winding paths enter the jungle in most directions.
  You can see a can of black stain here.

>TAKE STAIN
Taken.

>GO NORTHWEST
You walk swiftly down the trail! It turns! It twists! It narrows! Vines grab at your ankles and bird-sized insects close in for a kill! Suddenly...

Back Door
  You're near the rear entrance of a house, to the south. Trails enter the jungle to the east and the west.
  An extraordinary number of door-to-door salesmen are camped out here, having been booted away from the front door, but still hopeful of making a sale.
  A salesman approaches you. "You look like a fella who can spot a good deal. One of my machines could change your life! Let's barter; offer me something as an even-up trade."

>OFFER FLASHLIGHT TO SALESMAN
Eagerly, the salesman accepts the flashlight, mentioning that he knows a Plutonian plutocrat who'll trade his life fortune for one, and drops an odd machine at your feet. "It's a TEE remover," he explains. You ponder what it removes -- tea stains, hallway T-intersections -- even TV star Mr. T crosses your mind, until you recall that it's only 1936. But before you have a chance to ask the salesman, he points the flashlight upwards and a giant Venusian MegaMoth swoops down and carries him off. The other salesmen scatter like frightened salesmen.

>GET MACHINE
Taken.

>KNOCK ON DOOR
The door is thrown open by a wild-eyed mad scientist. "Nein! Nein! Nein! I don't need any!" Then, taking a closer look at you through spectacles thick enough to stop gamma rays, he says, "Oh! Not ein salesman! In fact, just der type I need for mein experiment." He grips your wrist with surprising strength and drags you inside.

Looks Can Be Deceiving
  From the innocent appearance of this quiet living area, you'd never guess that all sorts of twisted, maniacal, perverted experiments are in progress a short flight of stairs below. There are doors to the north (open) and south.
  You can see a mad scientist here.
  You feel uneasy as the mad scientist locks the door behind you and dissolves the key in a vat of acid.

GO DOWN
Laboratory
  The scientist's madness is finally evident by his lab, filled with many expressions of insane genius, such as the two caged gorillas, one male and one female, the two slabs for strapping down human victims, and the huge red power switch. A closed door leads north; at the foot of the winding stone stairs is a black circle.
  It seems that the cage contains a rubber hose.
  The mad scientist bounds down from the first floor, activating a (guaranteed 100% effective) Vaporo-Zap Energy Barrier across the foot of the stairs.

>GIVE CHOCOLATE TO MALE GORILLA
Eagerly, the male gorilla accepts the hunk of brown food.
  Again exhibiting extraordinary strength, the mad scientist straps you down on the first slab and Trent onto the second slab. He flips the huge red power switch, and you suddenly find yourself within the cage. Oddly, you can also see yourself still strapped to the first slab. As you swing across the cage to get a better look, you realize that you're now inside the body of a gorilla.

>FUCK FEMALE GORILLA
Hey! The female gorilla isn't bad-looking! You begin nuzzling, and things quickly get hot and heavy. The female gorilla screams, "Eee oo oo ah!" which translates roughly as "Oh, you animal!" "Ach!" yells the mad scientist, "mein theory iss correct! Der sex drive uf a species resides in der body, not in der brain!" He dashes off.
  Through the briefly open door, you see two Venus flytraps running madly around the next room. One is chasing, while the other is frantically trying to stay as far away as possible.

>GET HOSE
Taken.

>EAT CHOCOLATE
Mmmm! It's a piece of really good chocolate! You feel yourself getting a sugar rush.

>OPEN CAGE
Bellowing madly, you pull at the bars! Slowly, they spread apart to form an opening.

>OUT
You get out of the cage.

>UNSTRAP ME
Your body leaps for a rafter and lands back on the first slab with a loud "whump," looking momentarily stunned.

>UNSTRAP TRENT
As you untie Trent's body, it attempts to wrap its arms around you as though they were tentacles.

>DROP HOSE
Dropped.
  You feel the sugar rush ebb.

>PULL SWITCH
Zap! You're back in your own body! The gorilla looks confused and slinks back into the comfortingly familiar environment of the cage.

>GET UP
You get off the first slab. You also help Trent up from the second slab.

>GET HOSE
Taken.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Vizicomm Booth
  This small booth, which opens to the southeast, contains an ordinary pay vizicomm, with a handset, coin slot, dial, coin return knob, and coin return box. A red sign is posted over the vizicomm.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's left buttock appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>PULL KNOB
"Clank."

>OPEN BOX
A coin falls to the ground!

>GET COIN
Taken.

>GO SOUTHEAST
Rocky Clifftop
  Even the most adaptable Venusian flora can't gain a foothold on this outcropping, so the jungle (which can be entered to the north or west) peters out here. To the southeast, your clifftop vantage offers a stunning view of more lush jungle, stretching unbroken to the horizon.
  To the northwest, between the two paths into the jungle, is a vizicomm booth. At the edge of the cliff is a black circle.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Royal Docks
  During the peak of King Mitre's reign, a cruel joke went around the kingdom that Mitre's two greatest loves were his Royal Docks and his Royal Ducks. The joke was never very good and has long since been forgotten, and the ducks perished years ago from a sexually-transmitted disease, but the docks remain, jutting into a wide Martian Canal which flows from west to east. Behind you, to the south, is a ruined castle.
  A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's nose appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>ENTER BARGE
You are now in the royal barge. Trent gets in behind you. You notice some simple controls.

>PRESS PURPLE BUTTON
The writing on the button changes as you press it.

>PRESS ORANGE BUTTON
The writing on the button changes as you press it. The barge shoots away from the dock, into the deeper waters of the canal. The dark clouds of a sandstorm are visible on the horizon. The royal barge barges further down the canal, and a dock becomes visible on the northern shore.

>PRESS ORANGE BUTTON
The writing on the button changes as you press it. The barge drifts toward the dock on the northern shore, butting against it with a loud "clank."

Baby Dock, in the royal barge
  This tiny dock, partly buried by drifting sand, extends south into the canal. A break in the sand forms a trail to the north. You and Trent get out of the royal barge.

>GO NORTH
Among the Dunes
  You are in a tiny basin, protected by dunes from the fierce Martian winds. The dunes are impassable, except to the south.
  A strange alien, probably a member of one of the ancient warrior races of Mars, lies dead at the base of a dune.
  Lying next to the body, partially buried in the sand, is a strange coded message.
  The alien may have died of acute chapped lips (a perennial problem in the arid Martian climate). If so, it was a sudden death, for the lip balm near the body is completely unused.

>PUT ALL IN BASKET
Done.

>GET MESSAGE AND BALM
Taken.

>GO SOUTH
Baby Dock
  A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.

>ENTER BARGE
You are now in the royal barge. Trent gets in behind you.

>PRESS ORANGE BUTTON
The writing on the button changes as you press it. The barge shoots away from the dock, into the deeper waters of the canal. The banks of the canal are steep and sandy. Sculpted reddish sand dunes rise into view beyond the banks of the canal. The royal barge chugs quickly around the bend, ending up near the eastern bank of the canal. There are docks on both banks. The barge drifts toward the dock on the eastern shore, butting against it with a loud "clank."

Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock, in the royal barge
  If I owned a pier on a major Martian canal, I'd want it to look just like this one -- handsome, well-proportioned, and amply endowed with jade and ivory. I could probably live without the alabaster stair which leads up at the end of the dock, to the east.
  You and Trent get out of the royal barge.

>GO EAST
Main Hall of Palace
  A shaft of sunlight penetrates the stained glass windows and glistens off a large reflecting pool, filling this huge entry hall with a seductive pattern of tantalizing colors. Gleaming marble pillars rise majestically from the pool to support a towering, arched roof. You are on a branching pathway suspended above the pool, leading toward shadowy archways in every direction.

>GO NORTHEAST
Audience Chamber
  The good news is that this hall is intoxicatingly beautiful, laid with the snow-white fur of the rare Martian Velvetworm and endowed with platinum arches and balustrades. Silky curtains embrace openings to the south, southwest, and west.
  The bad news is that no man has ever entered the Audience Chamber of the Sultan and departed alive.
  The Sultan is here, enthroned.
  "Ah," says the Sultan, "a visitor. This is pleasing; it was turning out to be a very dull morning." He clears his throat. "The rules: I will pose a riddle. If you answer it correctly, you may spend one hour with any of my wives. If you answer incorrectly, you will die. If you do not answer, you will die. If you enter the harem before answering, you will die. If you attempt to leave, you will die. If you touch me in any way, you will die. If I happen to sneeze, you will die. If any situation not covered by the rules occurs, you will die." He motions to one of the palace eunuchs. "Go tell the animal tenders not to feed the tigers yet." Pause. "Are you ready?"

>YES
"Here, then, is the riddle. Don't strain your head; no one's ever gotten it right." You hear a growling snarl from somewhere nearby.
  "Some say I'm pointless,
    yet many are obsessed by me.
  I have caused heroic gambles
    and sown endless frustration.
  Uncounted deaths have I caused.
    What am I?"
  Trent steps briskly forward. "That's easy!" he yells. "A grapefruit!" As the eunuchs snicker behind their weapons, the Sultan cries "Wrongo!" and Trent is led away. As you hear, from nearby, a fierce roar followed by a blood-curdling scream, your eyes fill with tears. You hang your head in sorrow for a moment to honor your brave, loyal companion who gave his life that humanity might be safe from the terrible scourge of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
  "Your turn to guess," says the Sultan, looking gleeful.

>SAY "RIDDLE"
The Sultan looks crestfallen. "Yes, that's right." The Sultan is struck by a thought. "Can we kill him anyway?" He begins arguing loudly with one of his legal advisors. This might be a good time to make a beeline for the harem to the west.

>GO WEST
A well-armed female guard blocks you. "Congratulations on your performance," she says in a bored voice. You wonder how the guard can be so unmoved by your historic feat. As though sensing your thoughts, the guard says, "The Sultan likes to pretend that no one's ever gotten the riddle, but someone got it last year, the word spread around, and now everyone knows the answer. You're the twelfth winner this week already. He sent away to Maude's House of Riddles on Ganymede for a new one, but the mail is so slow..." The guard shakes her head. "Well, pick a wife; any number from 1 to 8379. Don't waste time thinking; they're all clones anyway." She looks at you expectantly.

>READ CODED MESSAGE
HEY. 's Colin again. The message is written backwards. I'd "decoded" it for your convenience: YOU MISSION IS TO CONTACT WIFE NUMBER 5481 OF THE SULTAN AND GET THE SECRET MAP - IDENTIFY YOURSELF TO HER BY ASKING HER TO KISS YOUR KNEECAPS
  "Ahem? A number...?" says the harem guard.

>5481
The guard, walking off, says, "I'll summon that one. You may enter."

>GO WEST
Harem
  This is a sensuous location of silks and satins and furs. A draped exit leads east. A pleasant odor tickles mischievously at your nose.
  A figure, completely cloaked in veils of silk, enters and beckons you deeper into the harem...

Inner Harem
  This luxurious bedroom, presumably one of many throughout the harem, is appointed with a multitude of exotic furs, warm to the touch as though still alive. The heady aroma of perfume and incense mingle in the air. There's an exit to the southeast.
  Sultan's wife #5481 touches a button at the shoulder of her tunic and it slowly floats to the floor. She pulls you down onto the furs, whispering in a husky voice, "For an hour, I am yours."

>ASK WIFE TO KISS MY KNEECAPS
"Oh," whispers Sultan's wife #5481, "you're from the rebels! Here's the secret map," she says, laying a secret map at your feet, "and here's a reliable torch," she says, lighting a reliable torch and placing it next to the map. She moves some furs to reveal a secret entrance leading downwards. "The only way out is through the catacombs -- if you come back this way with the secret map, the harem guards will..."

>GET ALL
Taken.

>DROP STOOL AND MESSAGE
Dropped.

GO DOWN
As you leave, Sultan's wife #5481 throws herself into your arms. Her ample bosom presses against your chest as she whispers into your ear, "Please, oh, please be careful down there!" She kisses you longingly, but eventually you descend, reluctantly, into the gloom of the catacombs...

Catacombs
  You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.
  "Yo!" says Trent, tapping your shoulder. "Looked like my number was up that time! Would've been, if those dimension-hopping midgets hadn't come through at the right moment. Good thing the tiger cage leads to the catacombs, eh?" He brushes a stray patch of fur off his shoulder.

>GO NORTHWEST

Forgotten Storehouse
  No living creature can even guess how long this storehouse has sat amidst the catacombs, undisturbed by man or by time, untouched by wars and weather, a silent witness to the passing eons, the rise and fall of empires, the births and deaths of countless billions, its only visitor the dark waters of a Martian canal.
  Sitting in one corner is a Cleveland telephone directory.

>GET PHONE BOOK
Taken.

>GO SOUTH
You wade into the gloom... and find a dark and winding tunnel.

Catacombs
  You're at a junction within an ancient, crumbling catacomb. Your torchlight pierces the gloom for only a few feet in each direction. As the result of an ancient leak, the catacombs are knee deep in warm, brackish canal water.

>GO NORTH

Ladder Room
  This spot is much like the rest of the catacombs, except that a ladder leads up into the darkness.

>GO UP
You climb for a seemingly endless time, with the ladder becoming increasingly rickety. Suddenly a rung snaps, and you tumble into the darkness! You bounce painfully into a slanted ventilation shaft, slide through a wooden grating, and land amidst thousands of silk brassieres.

Laundry Room
  One of the less pleasant aspects of running a palace is the sheer volume of dirty laundry its occupants produce. Why, the 8379 wives alone could keep a crew of cleaners sleepless. Add in the servants, cooks, gardeners, stablehands, jesters, visiting nobles, brothers-in-law in virtual permanent residence... Suffice it to say that there's one hell of a lot of dirty laundry here. You can barely see the exit to the north through it all.
  Today must be drying day at the laundry, since there's only one clothes pin left.

>GET PIN
Taken.

>GO NORTH
Main Hall of Palace

>GO EAST
Oriental Garden
  These twisted trees and elegant footbridges are even more beautiful than the gardens of the most lavish Fu Manchu films. Paths from the north, southeast, and west meet at a large well of hand-carved stone in the center of the garden.

>GO SOUTHEAST
Base of Tower
  A slender tower protrudes magnificently above the palace grounds. A stair winds up into the tower and an oriental garden spreads out to the northwest.

>GO UP
Minaret
  By standing erect at the parapet of this mighty tower, you command an exciting view. Below, gardens and courtyards intermingle with the palace buildings, forming a fertile oasis in the Martian desert. Off to the west, docks straddle a deep canal. On the far shore, sand dunes lap at crumbling buildings. On the top step of a winding stair is a black circle.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Cramped Space
  You are in a dark space, too tiny to move around in. There are no visible exits.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's elbow appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

GO DOWN
You can't go that way.
  Suddenly, part of the floor collapses, and you and Trent tumble through the resulting hole...

Cell
  Among the new rubble, you notice a black circle, attached to a piece of (what used to be) the floor of the cramped space.
  "What a great cell!" says Trent, looking around. "Why didn't I get a cell like this? Maybe I shouldn't have kicked that guard in the nuts when I first got here..."

>DROP TORCH AND MAP
Dropped.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Main Hall of Palace
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's earlobe appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO WEST
Now THIS Is My Kind of Dock
  A barge, hand-crafted from fine Martian cedarwood, is moored at the end of the dock.

>ENTER BARGE
You are now in the royal barge. Trent gets in behind you.

>PRESS ORANGE BUTTON
The writing on the button changes as you press it. The barge shoots away from the dock, into the deeper waters of the canal.

Martian Canal, near the east bank, in the royal barge
  The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. There are docks on both banks. Just behind, the canal curves sharply to the west. The royal barge barges further down the canal. The royal barge rocks gently in the current. The banks here are steep and sandy. A smaller canal flows diagonally into this one, and the channel widens slightly to accommodate the heavier flow. Some time passes...

Martian Canal, in the royal barge
  The royal barge rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. A dock is visible on the western shore. A red warning buoy is anchored nearby. A sign atop the swaying buoy shows a skull and crossbones. You spy a metallic glint, far ahead.
  The barge drifts toward the dock on the western shore, butting against it with a loud "clank."

Wattz-Upp Dock, in the royal barge
  This tiny dock is the maritime entrance to the once-famous Wattz-Upp section of Mars. East of the dock is a wide, north-south canal; you can hear a gurgling sound to the west. There's a chill in the air; you might be approaching the south polar cap. You and Trent get out of the royal barge.

>GO WEST
Oasis
  This is a remarkable sight on arid Mars -- subsurface water bubbling up in a fountain, flowing around a black circle, and soaking into the thirsty sand. A path curves east around the sand dunes. To the west: unchartable desert.
  A little bunny rabbit is sipping at the waters of the oasis.
  Inexplicably, the circle fades before your very eyes, slowly going from black to white.

>PUT STAIN ON CIRCLE
The circle is once again black!

>DROP STAIN
Dropped.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Cleveland
  You suddenly find yourself longing for the slime pits of Venus or the sandstorms of Mars. This particular section of Cleveland has exits to the northeast and south.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's big toe appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO SOUTH
Lawn
  Yes, "Lawn" is the kindest word for this muddy patch of limp crabgrass. Miraculously, someone actually seems to give a shit about this lawn, because there are signs of recent activity: a wooden rake and a large canvas sack. A fence rings the lawn; through an opening to the north you can see Cleveland.

>GET SACK
Taken.
Opening the canvas sack reveals a whole bunch of leaves.

>EMPTY LEAVES
Dropped.

>PUT ALL IN SACK
Done.
There's no room in the canvas sack for the raft or the wicker basket.

>GO NORTH
Cleveland

>GO NORTHEAST
Teensy-Weensy House
  This rickety home is so petite that the entire first floor is only one location in this story. When you tire of this floor, you can go east, southwest, or up.

>GO UP
Bedroom
  The second floor of the house has an open window overlooking the street and a stair leading down.
  The bed is unmade, with the sheet lying half on the floor. Through the window you can see a dilapidated car, sitting neglected on the side of the road.

>GET SHEET
Taken.

>TEAR SHEET
You rip the sheet into strips of cloth.

>TIE STRIPS TOGETHER
With the expertise of one who has watched countless prison escape movies, you tie the strips into a rope.

>TIE ROPE TO BED
Okay, the rope of cloth is now tied to the bed.

>THROW ROPE OUT WINDOW
The rope of cloth hangs almost to the ground. Trent looks awed. "Super idea! Doesn't look too strong, though. I'm lighter, so I'll go down."
  Trent climbs down the rope and unscrews the headlight. Suddenly, a truck barrels down the street and hits Trent, carrying him out of sight. Moments later, you hear an explosion. As the smoke drifts past the window, your eyes fill with tears. You hang your head in sorrow for a moment to honor your brave, loyal companion who gave his life that humanity might be safe from the terrible scourge of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.

>WAIT
Time passes...
  The ceiling collapses into a cloud of old plaster and startled termites, and out of the middle of it steps Trent, looking dishevelled but, for the most part, alive!
  "That truck explosion knocked me into the basement of some nutty professor, who strapped me into a faster-than-light missile he was about to test! Halfway to Pluto, I was intercepted by slavers looking for asteroid mining laborers. I beat off about thirty of 'em, but they just kept coming and coming. Just then I noticed a black circle which led to a spot about four feet above the floor of the attic... or what used to be the floor of the attic. Anyway, I got the headlight!" He points to the battered but usable headlight on the floor.

>TAKE HEADLIGHT
Taken.

>CLIMB DOWN STAIRS
Teensy-Weensy House

>GO EAST
Garden
  The house opens onto a fragrant garden! A piece of sod has been recently planted, and a clump of yellow, bulbous flowers grows nearby. The flowers barely reach the trellis which rises behind them. You can re-enter the house to the west.

>MOVE SOD
Moving the sod reveals a black circle.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

End of Hallway
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's left buttock appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO NORTH
Cell
  You can see a secret map and an unreliable torch here.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Main Hall of Palace
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's earlobe appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GO EAST
Oriental Garden

GO DOWN
You climb down the well for a long distance. Near the bottom the handholds end, so you and Trent leap the rest of the way, landing on a black circle. You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Icy Dock, in the royal barge
  This is the southern terminus of the canal. Far below this dock, teleportation machinery transports massive quantities of water back to the head of the canal in the equatorial region of Mars. It's quite chilly, and the dock is covered with a sheet of ice. To the south, as far as you can see, is the bleak whiteness of the southern ice cap.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's nose appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.

>GET OUT
You and Trent get out of the royal barge.
  With a whoop of surprise, Trent loses his footing on the ice, skids right into the canal, and is immediately dragged under by the strong current produced by the underwater teleporters. You search frantically for any sign of him, but after several agonizingly long minutes you abandon all hope. As you gaze across Trent's watery grave, your eyes fill with tears. You hang your head in sorrow for a moment to honor your brave, loyal companion who gave his life that humanity might be safe from the terrible scourge of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.

>GO SOUTH
Edge of Polar Ice Cap
  This snowy plain is barren of all signs of life. Drifts block travel in all directions but north, south and southeast. It's pretty cold, but nothing a tough guy like yourself can't stand.

>GO SOUTHEAST
Penguin Park
  Even on Mars, one could hardly expect a polar visit without seeing penguins. Well, here they are! A whole waddling mass of them, a pack so dense they completely block the path to the southeast. Other paths lead west and northwest.
  One penguin teasingly waves a "Penguin Relief Fund" sign in your direction, much like a matador waving his cape toward a bull.

>DONATE COIN TO PENGUIN
The penguins, satisfied by your donation to the PRF, part ranks for you to pass. The going rate for donations to the fund must be nine marsmids, since one of the penguins hands you a one marsmid coin.

>GO SOUTHEAST
Gypsy Camp
  This is the campsite of a family of nomadic robotic gypsies. A ragged tent is pitched on the north side of the camp, and trails lead northwest and south.
  A male and a female robot emerge from the tent, waving in a gesture of gypsyish greeting. "Hello, weary traveller! We are but poor gypsies, but we invite you to spend the night in our humble tent and share our simple but delicious oil and silicon stew." Suddenly, in an event so shocking that even a hardened space opera hero like yourself is stunned beyond belief, a meteorite shrieks through the atmosphere and completely obliterates the two robots.
  You hear the sound of high-pitched crying, slightly muffled, coming from inside the tent.

>EMPTY BASKET INTO SACK
Done.
  You hear the sound of high-pitched crying, slightly muffled, coming from inside the tent.

>GO NORTH
Inside the Tent
  This tattered tent, home to the deceased robots, provides meager protection against the cold polar winds. You can exit to the south.
  A little baby robot is shivering in the corner. It stops crying long enough to open a tiny metal eyelid and look at you. "Mommy?" it says, in a quavering, high-pitched, metallic voice.
  The baby continues to wail at the top of its lungs.

>GET BABY
Taken.
  The baby continues to wail at the top of its lungs.

>PUT BABY IN BASKET
Done.
  The baby continues to wail at the top of its lungs.

>PUT BLANKET IN BASKET
The baby stops crying and, in the comfy warmth of the blanket, slips into a calm sleep. A peaceful smile creeps over its face.

>GO SOUTH
Gypsy Camp

>GO SOUTH
South Pole
  You are standing near the front stoop of a very large igloo. Its door is flanked by a barred window. Paths lead north, north and north.

>ENTER IGLOO
You can't; it's locked.

>PUT BASKET ON STOOP
You place the baby gently on the stoop and sneak behind a nearby snowdrift.

>WAIT
Time passes...
  A matronly woman of massive proportions and rather cubical aspect opens the igloo door. She coos over the baby for a moment then carries it inside, closing the door behind her.

>OPEN DOOR
The igloo door swings open.

>ENTER IGLOO
Orphanage Foyer
  The igloo's front hall has rooms to the northeast and northwest. A barred window is next to the open door to the south.
  You can see a pair of cotton balls here.

>TAKE COTTON BALLS
Taken.

>OUT
South Pole

>GO NORTH
Gypsy Camp

>GO NORTHWEST
Penguin Park

>GO WEST
Allusion Room
  A solitary black circle is the only break in an vaste expanse of whiteness extending to the horizon. Like a dark speck in a sea of white, or a huge piece of typing paper with but a single period typed upon it, this black circle seems to have been placed here entirely as an opportunity for some silly literary allusions. To avoid the danger of accidentally typing an "LOOK" and having to read them again, follow the faint trails to the north or east.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Wattz-Upp Dock

>GO WEST
Oasis
  A little bunny rabbit is sipping at the waters of the oasis.
  You can see a can of black stain here.
  Like a wet watermelon seed being squirted from between two fingers, Trent is ejected from the fountain and lands in a dripping heap at your feet. "Good thing I'm so good at holding my breath," he says.

>GO WEST
Martian Dessert
  No, not a typo. "Dessert" refers to the fifty foot Martian Cream Pie here. A mirage, of course. People hopelessly lost in the desert often see strange mirages, such as cream pies, lakes, or trails to the northwest and southeast.

>GO NORTHWEST
I guess the paths aren't a mirage...

Ruin
  Sitting on one of the stone blocks is a large green frog. Something about it catches your eye.

>KISS FROG
YUCK! You can't bring yourself to do it! Something about the frog repulses all of your senses.

>PUT BALM ON LIPS
You coat your lips with the glistening balm, using up the whole stick.

>PUT PIN ON NOSE
You pin your proboscis.

>DROP ALL
Dropped.

>COVER EARS WITH HANDS
Many sounds seem muffled now that you're covering your ears with your hands.

>CLOSE EYES
Your eyes are now closed.

>KISS FROG
You lean forward with your eyes closed, your nose shut, your ears covered and your lips smeared with balm. Planting your mouth solidly against the frog's, you kiss deeply. When you feel a tongue sliding into your mouth, revulsion gives way to pleasure, as the no-longer-enchanted but quite enchanting princess presses against you. Rubbing her hot, naked body against yours, she effortlessly slips off your brass loincloth. A warm and wild feeling springs from your loins, spreading like a fiery potion through your veins. Within moments you are joined in passionate love, and just as a quick and lustful orgasm seems inevitable, a force crackles in the air, and you are alone, naked, sweating, and unsatisfied.
  As you gather up your garment and put it on, you notice a common household blender on the ground. There's an engraving on its side. Trent is at the other end of the ruin, sifting through some rubble, oblivious to your "experience."

>GET BLENDER
Taken.

>TAKE PIN OFF NOSE
You can once again sense with your nose.

>DROP PIN
Dropped.

>TAKE OFF BALM
Okay, you're no longer wearing the stick of lip balm.

>SHOW PAINTING TO MOUSE
The mouse freezes with fear.

>TAKE MOUSE
Taken.

>TAKE ALL BUT BALM AND PIN
Taken.

>GO WEST
Martian Desert

>GO NORTH
Yet Another Ruin
  You stand amongst the ruins of a mighty castle. (It's no wonder this section of Mars is considered the Ruined Castle Capital of the Solar System.) The only part of the castle that is more than a pile of rubble is to the north. A path leads out of the ruin to the south.

>GO NORTH
Throne Room
  This is the Throne Room of the once-potent King Mitre, of legendary fame. Of course, the version you've probably heard is significantly warped from What Really Happened.
  In the diseased version of the legend commonly transmitted on Earth, Mitre is called Midas. The King was granted his wish that everything he touched would turn to gold. His greed caught up with him when he transformed even his own daughter into gold.
  King Mitre's wish was, in fact, that everything he touched would turn to forty-five degree angles. No one has ever explained this strange wish; the most likely hypothesis is a sexual fetish. In any case, the tale has a similar climax, with Mitre turning his own daughter into a forty-five degree angle.
  King Mitre sits upon the throne, looking dejected and lonely. Next to him is a pile of forty-five degree angles. One stands out from the others, thanks to its golden hair and flowing white gown. The main entrance of the throne room is to the south, but a tight opening leads north.

>OPEN COMPARTMENT
You open the odd machine you received from the salesman.

>PUT JAR IN COMPARTMENT
Done. You close the compartment.

>TURN ON MACHINE
Sparks! Explosions! "Pockita pockita pockita FEEP!" exclaims the machine.

>OPEN COMPARTMENT
Opening the odd machine reveals a jar of unangling cream.

>GET JAR
Taken.

>RUB CREAM ON DAUGHTER
As the lotion soaks in, the angle slowly transforms into a beautiful princess. Mitre, gushing tears of happiness, cries, "You have restored my beloved Theta to me!" He reveals a perfect eighty-two degree angle. "I only brushed against it," explains the King. "Please accept it, along with my thanks." He reaches out to shake your hand.

>GET ANGLE
Taken.

>GO NORTH
As you leave, you hear behind you a sound like a forty-five degree angle landing on a pile of forty-five degree angles. "Oh shit! Not again!" you hear Mitre moan.

Royal Docks

>PUT RAFT IN WATER
The raft is now bobbing in the canal. If you weren't holding it, it would surely be carried away.

>GET IN RAFT
As you and Trent board the raft, the current sweeps it away from the dock.

Martian Canal, in the raft
  The raft rocks gently in the current of a wide canal. The raft drifts further on. Sculpted reddish sand dunes rise into view beyond the banks of the canal. Soon, a dock appears on the southern shore. It's close enough to grab so you lunge for the dock and secure a handhold. An agile clamber places you and Trent on the dock. To keep it from floating away, you pull the raft out of the water.

Donald Dock
  This dock, on the south shore of the canal, is named after Don Donald, the first resident of Mars. There are no paths leading inland, but a tall dune to the south is less steep than the others.

>GO SOUTH
Dunetop
  From this vantage, you can see the canal curving south, a bit downstream from here. Just after this bend, two docks flank the canal: an opulent dock on the east bank, and a dilapidated one on the closer shore.
  You could slide down the dune to the north or the east.

>GO EAST
Canalview Mall
  As with all Martian civilization, this once-fashionable shopping center has fallen upon hard times; the only store to have endured the fifteen-millenia recession lies to the south. The canal is still as visible as it was when scheming marketeers misnamed the mall generations ago -- in other words, not at all. A path leads east, and a dune to the west seems mountable.

>GO SOUTH
Exit Shop
  This store is in good shape only relative to the other shops in the mall; for example, the last time it was vacuumed, humans were just inventing writing. The dust nearly covers the proprietor, who sits forlornly in the corner beneath a faded sign. An exit is barely visible through the dust to the north.
  The proprietor stirs somewhat from his lethargy. "Don't get many customers these days, since they abandoned the dock. In fact, you're only the third in the last hundred and fifty centuries." He slips back into a drowse.

>GIVE COIN TO PROPRIETOR
The proprietor slowly focuses one eye on the coin. "Not much in stock these days," he explains. "My supplier went bankrupt ninety thousand years ago." He takes the coin and starts to hand you a cardboard tube, but his eye drifts out of focus again, and he drops it wearily into the dust.
  [A warning for any Jerry Falwell groupies who are miraculously still playing: we'll be using the word "tits" in five turns or so. Please consult the manual for the proper way to stop playing.]

>SEARCH DUST
You grasp a tube!

>GO NORTH
Canalview Mall

>OPEN TUBE
Opening the tube reveals a flexible black circle.
  [Only a few turns until the "tits" reference! Use QUIT now if you might be offended!]

>PUT CIRCLE ON GROUND
Dropped.

>ENTER CIRCLE
You're sucked into the hole in a direction that isn't down, but neither is it one of the other directions with which you're familiar.

Boudoir, on the divan
  There is only enough light here to make out vague shapes. You seem to be lying on a plush divan. You hear heavy breathing from nearby, and realize that you are not alone on the couch. A pleasing odor comes from close by.
  A few seconds later, you see Trent's elbow appear, followed almost immediately by the rest of him.
  [Last warning! The word "tits" will appear in the very next turn! This is your absolutely last chance to avoid seeing "tits" used!!!]

>WAIT
Time passes...
  A hyperdimensional traveller suddenly appears out of thin air. "My sister has tremendous breasts," says the traveller and, without further explanation, vanishes, leaving only a vague trace of interdimensional ozone.
  [Oh, regarding the use of "tits," we changed our mind at the last minute. Everyone agreed it was too risque.]

>WAIT
Time passes...
  You hear a click, and leap to your feet as the room is flooded with light!

Boudoir
  Oh, no! You have violated the sanctity of a boudoir! And not just any old boudoir, but an extremely secret and private boudoir! And not just any old extremely secret and private boudoir, but an extremely secret and private boudoir belonging to the Leather Goddesses of Phobos!
  "The escaped prisoners!" cries one of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos. "Sound the alarm!"
  "Inform the guards!" yells another.
  "Call out the army!"
  "Alert the space fleet!"
  "Summon my masseur," says the single unfrantic Goddess, calmly pulling a lever. As the floor opens up, you and Trent plunge down a long chute...

Plaza
  This is a wide plaza between the arching towers and curving domes of the notorious Pleasure Palace of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos. It is a lovely, bucolic area of gushing fountains, curving flower beds, and lawns of thick, green grass. Birds fly amongst the trees, singing peacefully, as baby squirrels hop across the lawn, lazily collecting nuts.
  A half-megaton grenade explodes nearby as the palace guards attempt to repel some unwanted intruders (namely: you and Trent).
  Trent shouts, "Okay, this is it! Gotta start building that Super-Duper Anti-Leather Goddesses of Phobos Attack Machine! Hand me a common household blender."

>GIVE BLENDER TO TRENT
Trent grabs the common household blender and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  The guards now have reinforcements: a row of imposing radium-powered tanks are rolling towards you.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going great! Hand me a rubber hose."

>GIVE HOSE TO TRENT
Trent grabs the rubber hose and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  Giant berserk robotoid sumo wrestlers, each madly waving about three dozen samurai swords, are now storming across the plaza at you.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going swell! Hand me a pair of cotton balls."

>GIVE BALLS TO TRENT
Trent grabs the pair of cotton balls and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  With a swooping roar, the Main Attack Fleet of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos joins the attack. Several nearby trees are suddenly vaporized.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going fantastically! Hand me an eighty-two degree angle."

>GIVE ANGLE TO TRENT
Trent grabs the eighty-two degree angle and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  The palace guards are setting up a massive dematerialization ray. Closer by, a sumo-robot discovers a boulder in its path, and a large quantity of gravel is created.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going perfectly! Hand me a headlight."

>GIVE HEADLIGHT TO TRENT
Trent grabs the headlight and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  A Phobosian Chomper is faster than a cheetah, meaner than a Tyrannosaurus Rex, bigger than a sperm whale, and as hungry as the state of Texas. We mention this because fifty of them just entered the plaza and spotted you.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going teriff! Hand me a mouse."

>GIVE MOUSE TO TRENT
Trent grabs the mouse and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  Several fifty-foot craters appear as the Main Attack Fleet begins lobbing ion bombs. As they veer around for a more precise attack, the tanks close in, and you realize that each one is larger than the Upper Sandusky City Hall.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going boffo! Hand me a photo of Jean Harlow."

>GIVE PHOTO TO TRENT
Trent grabs the photo of Jean Harlow and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  A couple of buildings behind you silently vanish, indicating that the palace guards are better at assembling a death ray than at aiming it. However, in sixty centuries of repelling intruders, they've never missed twice. Meanwhile, one of the Chompers has stopped to swallow a herd of goats that was grazing nearby, thus slowing it down for a full tenth of a second.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going hunky dory! Hand me a Cleveland phone book."

>GIVE PHONEBOOK TO TRENT
Trent grabs the Cleveland phone book and quickly incorporates it into his contraption.
  The guards have finished aiming the death ray, and have begun the activation sequence. The ground quakes as the berserko robotoids plow through the rubble toward you; the wind from their whirling swords knocks over a few trees. The tanks loom above you, their gun turrets blocking out the sun. Beyond them, the Main Attack Fleet is sweeping in for a final attack.
  Trent, hammering and twiddling madly at the growing machine, yells, "Okay, things are going neato peachy keen! There! I think it's all done. Cross your fingers, kiddo!" He switches on the device. Amidst showers of sparks, a powerful electric arc bridges two electrodes. The machine shudders, and you smell something yellow shoot from the machine.

Through the smoke of battle, you see a banana peel squirt from the Super-Duper Anti-Leather Goddesses of Phobos Attack Machine.
  The peel lands a few feet away, as the Super-Duper Anti-Leather Goddesses of Phobos Attack Machine gives one final shudder and self-destructs in an orgy of flames and shrapnel!
  The attacking forces continue to close, and certain death is only seconds away when one of the Chompers, loping toward you at nearly Mach One, steps on the banana peel, and slips a few inches to one side before righting itself. This is enough, however, to nudge a tank into a crater, tripping one of the samurai robots!
  More and more of the attacking forces plow into the mess in the crater, like some improbably fantastical football tackle. A stray grenade lands right in its midst, and the resulting plume of debris shears the fins off the leading warship. Your heart leaps as the entire Main Attack Fleet of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos plummets toward the ground. The mass of flaming metal strikes the ground, and a tremendous explosion knocks you senseless!

  Eventually, daylight intrudes upon your senselessness and illuminates a sleepy-looking gas station. You are lying at the edge of a dusty road, once again wearing your comfortable old overalls. Though dirty, dishevelled, and bleeding from a few superficial cuts, you are nevertheless aglow in the knowledge that Earth is safe from the threat of the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
  As your head clears, three uniformed girls come bouncing out of the service station toward you. "Oh, my goodness," they coo, in perfect unison. "Are you all right?"

  Coming soon from Infocom: GAS PUMP GIRLS MEET THE PULSATING INCONVENIENCE FROM PLANET X.
ANOTHER NOTE: There actually WAS a LGOP2, and it's incredibly bad. It's short, the puzzles are illogical, and it requires a whopping 14 megs of hard drive space (an awful lot of space in 1992). Probably the most oft-quoted review of the game comes from Home of the Underdogs and begins like this: "Leather Goddesses of Phobos 2 is one of the most sought-after oldies in existence. It is ironic, then, that it happens to be one of the worst computer games ever made in any genre."

In 331 turns, you have achieved a score of, um, oh, call it 313 out of 313 points. This gives you the rank of Interplanetary Emperor.

(7 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:evil_jim
Date:April 1st, 2006 10:10 am (UTC)
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I gave up an evening of playing Shadow of the Colossus to read this entire story but I quite enjoyed it.

This is much like the other text-based adventures I've played in that it's essentially a short story frequently interrupted by the collection & redistribution of random bits of junk. Since you used a walkthrough I'm going to assume (& you can correct me if I'm wrong) that its aim was to use the shortest answers to get you through the game the fastest. This may give you the highest score but skips over many moments & interactions that may not be necessary to complete the game but are entertaining nevertheless. Plus, reading through the story I was left wondering "What was all that about?" a number of times since there was no motivation given for certain actions. Why did you go into the teensy-weensy house, ruin a bedsheet & throw it out the window as if to climb down? Why did you need a headlight? There was no mention of a headlight until Trent is in the process of unscrewing it. Are there walkthroughs that focus more on story than points?

When I finished reading your posts I excitedly looked up "Pick Up the Phone Booth & Die" & quickly remembered why I don't play text-based games: they all eventually turn into:

>I don't understand FUCK YOU GODDAMMINT ARRRRRGH!!!
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:April 1st, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Glad you enjoyed it. Unfortunately, in this particular case there's no way to get all the detail you're looking for into a single LJ post. LJ allows entries of only 64K, and this post, as it stands, is just short of that limit.

I did add a little bit of text to fix the one thing you mentioned, however:
  • There's a crumpled piece of paper in Trent's cell which the walkthru tells you to take, but it doesn't ask you to read it. It's a scrambled list of the things Trent needs to build the machine at the end of the game (headlight, phonebook, etc.).

  • I added a line of my own about there being a car visible outside the window in Cleveland. I have no idea how the game actually describes this because I'm too lazy to play through to that point.

  • I also decoded the message that tells you which of the Sultan's wives you have to speak with. Not sure if you figured it out, but the message is written backwards and tells you to summon wife number ____ and identify yourself as part of the rebel movement by asking her to kiss your kneecaps.

  • Kissing the frog. It's so repulsive that you can't bring yourself to do it because it offends all of your senses.

  • At the igloo: The door is locked. When the matronly woman rescued the baby, the forgot to lock the door behind her.
Anything else? I've got a fraction of a kilobyte left to fix it, if you can think of anything.
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:April 1st, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
She forgot, the forgot... whatever.
[User Picture]
From:lord_alucard
Date:April 1st, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I am offended! You'll be hearing from my republican congressman!
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:April 2nd, 2006 08:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
Geez, I'm sorry about the sex jokes. Next time I post the transcript of a game, it'll just be the good ol' All-American violence.
[User Picture]
From:laviorli
Date:April 2nd, 2006 02:30 am (UTC)
(Link)
don't even think about going west unless you love wading into four tons of man-eating lettuce.
[User Picture]
From:sacredspud
Date:April 2nd, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
(Link)
...this is why I like that game.
Leather Goddesses of Phobos transcript - Garmonbozia for the soul.

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